I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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