i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
