the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
