I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
