I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
