God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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