Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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