I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's always time for handjobs
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
