I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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