My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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