I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
