shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
