Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
