I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
