Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No subtext here. People are naked.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
