on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
