All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
