She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
