when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
