there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i think i just lost a toe
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
