I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
