I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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