apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
