...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
