i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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