Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
