Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
