So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
