The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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