TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
