Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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