Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
