Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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