i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
