guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
