I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I sprained my soul last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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