i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
