We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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