where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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