i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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