i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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