after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
