How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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