Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
