Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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