her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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