We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
