He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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