dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
