You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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