I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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