Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
