I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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