so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
